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What The Hell
Is Going On Out There?
Dear Coach,
Just as the Jesuits taught you when you were young…for every time there is a season. This is the season when worms cover the sidewalks. Heavy spring rains have left the pavement especially wormy this year. On top of that, Wisconsin folk have been dealing with annelids of a different variety.
The creepy-crawlies started in March when University of Wisconsin-Madison student Audrey Seiler, a native of Rockford, Minn., went missing. Wisconsin and Minnesota have a reciprocity agreement in which students pay resident tuition rates to attend college in the neighboring state. It works like this: we send our best and brightest, they unload their nutters. Kind of like Castro emptying his prisons and sending flotillas of hardened criminals to Florida.
Except we get crazy broads from Minnesota. Something smelled strange long before Seiler was found hiding in a local marsh, but the national media picked up the story and before you knew it, very serious blow-dried TV types were everywhere, asking (in very serious tones) inane questions like, “Who is Audrey Seiler?”
She’s a goddamned nut job from Minnesota, that’s who. We could have told you that. Drive through UW campuses from Superior to Milwaukee and you’ll run down a thousand people just like her.
In the end, the Madison Police Department spent $100K in search and rescue efforts all because Audrey Seiler wanted her boyfriend to think that she and Swamp Thing were lovers.
It brought back memories of Luke Helder, the UW-Stout student who said he was making a giant smiley face across the U.S. -- by loading mailboxes with pipe bombs. Helder now spends his time drawing Giant Smiley Faces of Death on padded walls inside his dorm room at Wacko U. Did we mention Luke was a “nice but troubled” college kid from Pine Island, Minn.?
If crazy Minnesotans weren’t enough, who should come tooling across the Wisconsin-Illinois border at 83 miles per hour but one Mary Laney, a columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times. Anybody with half a brain knows that Racine County is a strict speed enforcement zone. Some of those dim bulbs even know that the speed limit is 65 mph. Laney is not among them.
Anyhoo, she was pulled over by a Racing County sheriff’s deputy. When an old citation erroneously appeared on the deputy’s computer thanks to bureaucratic bungling (something that never happens in Illinois), Laney was frisked, cuffed and jailed.
Laney detailed the ordeal in her paper. The headline read: Welcome to Wisconsin – unless you’re
an Illinois driver.
Those genius bastards. It only took them 80 years, but they cracked that case, didn’t they?
What Illinoitians really need to know is that in addition to speeding tickets, roving bands of militia dressed in green and gold fatigues will capture them for leaving shitty tips for our waitresses in Wisconsin Dells. They’ll be taken to filthy prison camps and made to simulate masturbation for digital cameras and their image will be distributed worldwide. But classicwisconsin is afraid that’s not humiliating enough for chronic jack-offs.
So there you have it, classicwisconsin’s annual assessment of what the hell is going on out there. Summer is almost here, Coach, and soon the only worms covering the Wisconsin sidewalks will be wearing Vikings and Bears apparel. Happy birthday. You take care of Halas up there. We’ll take care of the rest down here.
Now, where’s the camera?
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The immortal Vince Lombardi is born June 11, 1913. Strike up the kettle drums…bom ba ba bom ba ba bom…Lombardi…a certain aura surrounds the name...
In his honor, Classic Wisconsin spreads a bag of ice on the lawn and pauses to make its annual
assessment.
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