Top Shanty Contest -- Classic Wisconsin

It began as a dream in 1996 “after several hours of sitting on an icy bucket, sipping fine schnapps, smoking cheap cigars, and occasionally fishing in plain view of the wives of Stumpy Bay.”

Thus begins the story of Shanty Fabulous, Classic Wisconsin’s 2005 Top Shanty.

“We all know the cliché about the best laid plans on bar napkins,” the application reads, “but few know the tenacity of a desperate and wind-burnt ice fisherman with a garage full of power tools.”

Who can argue with that? Not us.

Built inside a garage that had to be modified to remove the shack, the owner took special care in the placement of the windows.

“One window on each wall would be crucial during long periods inside the shanty, when the fish were really biting and the wives could appear from any direction to investigate.”

The shack’s interior contains wall-to-wall carpeting, a wood burning stove and 1980s-era beer posters, but the architect’s pride and joy is an oversized funnel in the corner. The funnel “prevents one from having to face the wrath of old man winter when nature calls…and it calls a lot on a typical fishing day. The funnel leads to a hose, which runs out of the bottom of the shanty. A marvel of modern day shanty plumbing.”

“This wonder of plastic injection molding does come with a price,” the application notes, and it is here that the story of Shanty Fabulous distinguished itself among all others.

“The ice seemed thick enough,” writes the owner ominously. “Maybe it was an upwelling or a natural spring. Perhaps it was El Nino. More than likely the Stumpy Bay boys were a bit more liberal with Milwaukee’s Best than on usual opening days. With every flush of the funnurinal, another millimeter of ice on that corner gave way.”

The hard truth, Stumpy Bay boys, is that ANY ONE could have predicted the tragedy that was now imminent.

“The next morning brought stunned reactions. After an elaborate plan was devised requiring ATVs, ropes, chainsaws, and chisels, the boys had her out in less than a 12-pack. She was shamelessly dragged upon the shore like a beached whale and sentenced to wait until the ice was thicker…and the wives of Stumpy Bay upgraded their husbands’ life insurance policies.”

Judges’ Comments
(Meet the Judges)

Classic Wisconsin
“The ice seemed thick enough.” More fateful words have never been spoken. Funny thing is, instead of writing their names in the snow when nature called, the “marvel of modern shanty plumbing” sunk their shack. This brings new meaning to pissing your life away.

The return address on the envelope belongs to Clayton Frazer, the name on the shanty is Andrew Johnson, and the application is anonymous. One of you two guys will have to take the credit/blame.

By the way, our days of swimming in Lake Okauchee have ended.

Jacobson
The trusty old bar napkin blueprint. It’s produced many shanties. Just make sure you see one design when you leave the bar.

McCann
Shanty Fabulous gets the edge over other contenders for its fabulous back story. First, she was allegedly conceived on a bar napkin, built on the backs of free beer and equipped with wife-watching windows. It's rare for a fisherman to actually admit he is only going out to stand on the freezing ice to get away from home and drink; usually they insist on all that "communing with nature" stuff. But best of all is the fact that their "ingenious" urinal so softened the too thin ice on which she stood that she sank, instead. In other words, they literally pissed away their creation. Ah, ice fishermen.

Misako Rocks
“What’s going on?” I want to say.